EX-ETIQUETTE : Kindergarten’s start strains 50-50 shared-custody pact
Posted on Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Q: My ex-husband and I have shared 50-50 custody of our 5-year-old daughter since she was 2. Last year we amended the court order to say our daughter will go to kindergarten in my area and live with me during weekdays and with him on weekends — just during the school year. He lives more than an hour from the school. But now he has changed his mind and does not want to honor the court order.
A: We think what you’re saying is that your ex now wants to share custody during the week and drive your child to school on his days with her — and you live an hour away from each other. If this is so, it’s time for your ex to take a closer look at what he’s proposing. What worked for a 2-year-old often does not work when a child grows older. Kindergarten is every day and rarely a full day — so there will be daily child care to consider if you can’t step in.
If you are looking to make this child’s life stress-free, we suggest you live closer to each other. Shared custody is diffi cult enough without adding distance to the mix. To expect a child of 5 to sit in a car for two hours is not in the best interest of the child; it’s in the best interest of the parent who moved after the divorce.
Parents often move after divorce so as not to live close to “the ex.” But as the kids get older, the logistics of living, say, an hour away from your child’s other parent while attempting 50-50 custody get complicated. The kids resent the time spent in the car, make friends and participate in after-school activities an hour away, and eventually balk when it’s time to go to the other parent’s home. This is when so many end up in Jann’s office renegotiating the placement agreement. And if one of the parents gets a new partner, there are additional problems, such as coordinating the partner’s children’s schedules.
We aren’t suggesting you live down the street from each other, but at least try for the same school district. Then good exetiquette really comes into play. You could both be at the kids ’ games or at the same hot spots, maybe with new dates, and emotions run high. That’s when ex-etiquette rule No. 1 needs to become your mental mantra: “Put the kids first — put the kids first.”
Q: I’m dating a guy with a 2-year-old daughter. We’ve been dating for four months. I adore his daughter but she sometimes displays “terrible twos” behavior. Most of the time they spend weekends at my place. I’m not sure how to respond to her behavior and I don’t always agree on his parenting skills. Should we set some form of “structure” in dealing with her and we two as a couple ? I am starting to feel overwhelmed. Can I make this work ?
A: Thousands of people do make it work — whether you can or not is up to you. But, know this: This child is not a puppy. It’s not like “Can I bring Fido to your house today ? If she bugs you we can just put her outside.”
We are counting to 10 — and will be calm in a second.
After four months this guy has his kid at your house every weekend and you are wondering if you should “set some form of ‘structure’ in dealing with her” ? He should have had a game plan in place before he called you for your first date. The child is a living, breathing, permanent fixture in this man’s life.
Of course you’re feeling overwhelmed, and good for you for admitting it and realizing something has to change. And you’re feeling very much like many without kids of their own who date people with children. It’s easy to stand back as an observer and say “I wouldn’t parent that way.” Haven’t we all thought that we wouldn’t parent the way our parents did, but in a time of frustration, heard our mother’s or father’s words coming out of our mouths ?
Ultimately, parenting decisions are his. If you get involved at this point, one of two things will probably happen — either you will fight about parenting, or when you’re together he will relinquish the parenting responsibilities to you. Doesn’t sound like you like either of those choices. So, here’s our suggestion: Leave the child with her mother or other caregiver on his dates with you. If he can only see you when he has his daughter, he needs to change his schedule — with you. If you two decide you want to be together exclusively, then put a plan in place for how you will approach rearing this child together while co-parenting with her mother. Then introduce the child to your relationship on a regular basis. Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the co-founders of Bonus Families — www. bonusfamilies. com — and the authors of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation. Contact them at
ee@bonusfamilies. com
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