SPIN CYCLE : Monopoly more PC, less f-u-n
Posted on Sunday, August 24, 2008
A group of American children sit down to play the new “global” and “green” Monopoly game introduced by Hasbro last week. Cities included in the Monopoly Here & Now: The World Edition are the result of a worldwide vote in which 5. 6 million people cast ballots.
Kid 1: I wanna be the dog ! I wanna be the dog !
Kid 2: You’re always the dog ! I wanna be the dog !
Kid 3: Guys, I don’t see a dog in this multicultural version of the game. Who wants to be the Chinese dragon instead ?
Kid 1: Fine, I will. At least I don’t have to be that stupid thing. What is that ?
Kid 2: I think it’s a boomerang.
Kid 1: What’s that ?
Kid 2: Some weapon thing that is also a toy they play with in other parts of the world. You know, where they don’t have Wii systems.
Kid 3: No race car either ? I guess I’ll be the London cab.
Kid 2: I’ll be the camel.
Kid 1: And I’ll be the banker ! Where’s all the fake money ?
Kid 3: All that stuff is handled by this electronic banking unit now. Here are your bank cards.
Kid 1: No more pretending the gold $ 500 bills just stuck together ? I hate this already. Someone roll.
Kid 2: Four. I landed on Baltic Avenue. I mean Taipei. Um, $ 6 million ? Seriously, for the cheap properties ?
Kid 3: It’s not dollars, it’s some new Monopoly currency.
Kid 2: OK, I’ll buy it for M 600 m. Neither one of you better buy my Mediterranean Avenue, er, Gdynia !
Kid 3: I couldn’t even find Gdynia on a map.
Kid 1: I can’t even say Gdynia.
Kid 2: I had doubles, so I get to roll again. I landed on jail.
Kid 1: So what city is the jail in ? What if it was in Iran or something ?
Kid 2: It doesn’t say. Good thing I’m just visiting.
Kid 3: I’ll go next. Seven. Ooh, Chance card ! I hope my Christmas fund matures or that I’m elected chairman of the board ! Hey, it’s even better ! I collect M 500 m profit from my bicycle repair shop in Beijing !
Kid 2: Beijing. Taipei. And then there’s Shanghai where Tennessee Avenue used to be. Are you sure we didn’t get the China edition ?
Kid 3: No. See, look, there’s Montreal — in the Boardwalk position, no less — and Vancouver and Toronto. We got the Canada edition.
Kid 2: So, wait, what’s Park Place ?
Kid 3: Riga.
Kid 1: And where’s that ?
Kid 3: Don’t ask me. The game only came with a board, bank and houses and hotels, er, pyramids and pagodas. There’s no globe.
Kid 1: So are there any American cities at all ?
Kid 2: Well, there’s a Paris and London — they’re in Arkansas, right ?
Kid 3: I found one ! New York ! It’s right there where Indiana Avenue would be.
Kid 1: Not the red properties ! I hate the red properties !
Kid 2: Where you land when you miss Free Parking ? Everyone hates the red properties !
Kid 3: See the injustices that happen when people don’t exercise their right to vote ?
Kid 1: My turn ! Look, I landed on a railroad, Monopoly Rail. I’m buying it ! I love the railroads !
Kid 2: There’s only one now. But you can try for Monopoly Cruise, Monopoly Air and Monopoly Space.
Kid 1: “Advance token to nearest spaceship” and “Take a ride on Monopoly Air” just aren’t going to have the same ring.
Kid 2: Snake eyes ! I’m on Water Works, uh, Wind Energy. So what replaces the Electric Company ? Oh, Solar Energy. I’ll pass. Now oil energy, that is where the money is.
Kid 3: You’ve got doubles, roll again.
Kid 2: Free Parking ! I could use the money and buy one of the other many Monopoly games available. Like that other Here & Now edition updated with contemporary American icons.
Kid 1: I wanna be the labradoodle ! I wanna be the labradoodle ! Go directly to e-mail: jchristman@arkansasonline. com Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
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